The In-Between

Between Separation and Divorce

Being in-between things can be both intimidating and hopeful. Intimidating because things are changing from the way they used to be and hopeful because new opportunities can present themselves and a life we might have imagined, but never thought was “for us”, is possible.

The In-Betweens are a grey area where life shifts in a completely different direction, an area where routines change, some dreams are left to mourn and some new dreams are born. The In-Betweens are time for gathering courage and inspiration, for letting go and growing into something new, for loosing bad habits and creating new ones.

The same, I’ve decided, can be said for the In-Between I’m currently in – in between separation and divorce.

I have written a post before this one – one I’ve decided today I’m not going to post. It’s a post about hating the life I’m currently living – with Social Services, a partner who’s making constant threats if things aren’t the way he likes, the system that fails to protect me and my child.

All of that is true and maybe one day I will write about all of that, but only when I get the help I need and have a much clearer head. If anything, writing that post has made me realize that, although those things are true, I am not miserable and I don’t hate my life at all.

The separation from my partner was excruciating, the divorce is a long and painful process, dealing with every day life while not getting any sleep at night is hard, but I’ve decided there are lessons to be learned along this curvy and stumbly way life has thrown at me.

My life is shifting and it is intimidating. My routines have gone down the drain, my plans for the future are ashes. And I’m allowing myself to mourn that. I’m allowing myself to mourn the life I wanted – a loving partner, a beautiful and safe home, my baby’s milestones being celebrated together.

My baby had his first tooth last week. I celebrated with my parents – his ba-ba and de-de. And through happiness and a sense of accomplishment, I felt immense sadness. Those milestones are supposed to be celebrated by both parents together. I sent my partner a text and allowed myself a moment of grief.

The one thing I’m mourning more than anything else though, and the one thing I know I will have to work through, is the fact that I won’t give my child a sibling. But that’s also a topic for a different post I’m not yet ready to write.

But as intimidating as life is, there are new opportunities to be taken. My maternity leave is ending in three months and I will have to go back to work. The position I was at before I got pregnant is no longer an option and I was driving myself crazy for months about what I’m going to do next. Now, for the first time, I’m seeing an opportunity to search for a job in a different city – maybe even an island – and move there. It would be a challenging life, being a solo mom and living away from my parents, but it’s an exciting possibility none the less.

For the past few weeks, I have also learned to appreciate people surrounding me; my family, my friends. Leaving an abusive relationship is soul crushing. And that is as literal explanation as possible. My soul is hurting. Which makes my heart ache. Which makes my whole body hurt. And my will to live and do ordinary, everyday-life-tasks is constricted to my baby only. If it weren’t for my family and friends, I would probably never leave the house. Luckily, I do have them. And because of them I went to the movies for the first time in a year. I went to my first ever pub quiz. I put my baby in a costume and my friend and I took him to a carnival. Because of my family and friends, I’m living my life. And sadly, I’m learning I haven’t lived it in a while.

I’m aware of the challenging path ahead. Maybe the hard part hasn’t quiet sunk in yet, but I know life will get harder before it gets easier. I have to find another job, but I also have to figure out how to make extra income in order to support myself and the baby. I have to fight a custody battle in a system that doesn’t care about the hurt and pain I’ve been through. I have to fight so many legal battles I don’t even know if a team of lawyers could handle them.

But I will allow myself to dream as well. I will allow myself to imagine a small cottage with flowers, a vegetable garden and a chicken coop for my baby and me. I will dream of sunny days, a terrace with a big wooden table that will seat all the family and friends I have. I will dream of finally writing a book. I will perhaps even allow myself to dream of someone who will actually love me and appreciate me.

Life may be devasting sometimes, but as long as we don’t lose the ability to dream, we will be just fine. Life isn’t over yet. There are still lessons to be learned, there is still place for growth.

Now is the time to gather the remaining courage I have left and step into this In-Between. And who knows what awaits me once I make it out?